Where is God?

Before reading, please know that I am having a really good time in England - I am learning loads, making great friends, and enjoying the work we do here at SPEC. These are thoughts inspired by the question 'Where is God in suffering?'

In a crazy world, we see amazing things happening – inventions, births, mountain-top retreats, beautiful creation, music… the list goes on and on. Here at SPEC, we do a morning prayer called ‘Looking out for Love’ that features the Fleetwood Mac song by the same title and a powerpoint presentations displaying pictures of amazing and not-so-amazing events in our world. There are pictures of new-born babies and people jumping out of airplanes. There are also images of hunger, poverty, and injustice. The question arises – Where is God in those situations? Where do we see that love that we are looking out for?

It’s easy to look at the work we do and see God. We see loads of young people come through the centre getting a chance to experience new things, make new friends, and seeing God in a new light. Hearing about some of their families is amazing. Some of these young people have got amazing opportunities and they are taking them – I had a group of musicians today that busted out 3 part harmony on a song they had just learned. But hearing their stories about home can also pose the question of where God is in their lives. Some live in constant fear of leaving their post-code because of gang violence. Others joined their first gang at 13, and have held guns often. Some have one or no parents due to this violence.

My life in England thus far has had plenty of good times, and lots of learning experiences. But it would be a lie to say that it’s been all tea and biscuits (though there has been a LOT of tea and biscuitsJ ) I have had a big struggle adjusting to my new life. I have left everything familiar. Family, friends, school, music, feeding myself, my church, my culture… all things that I have known from a young age that haven’t changed much. I have felt very alone in that – stripped of my identity - though for a long time I did not realize that this was the root cause of my distress. Where do I find God amidst my own suffering? I spoke with a priest about my feelings and how I thought that I should somehow ‘be stronger’ – all he had to say was ‘Jesus wept’. It’s a weird connection to make – my own suffering to Jesus’. His was so much more large, so much more important – but to see that Jesus did suffer, and that he did have times of weakness somehow allowed me to let go and accept that there is suffering in life and that it’s alright, normal, and important to the flow of life. Without suffering, could there be joy? Without valleys, could there be mountains? I know it sounds cliché, but I think it’s true. Sometimes the bad times can be for gaining perspective, or ‘making you stronger’. But for me, it’s seeing that even though things are bad, even though I might feel like crap, I’m still here. Life is still moving and I am surviving. I can continue on. God is still here. It’s about proving that God really is all I need. When everything else is gone, God is still there. It has been a profound realization. To see that so much of life is not 'needed' but makes it so full.

We do a reconciliation service during most of our retreats. This involves multiple prayer stations with the theme of reconciling – with the world, with yourself, with others, and with God. This tends to cause lots of emotion and lots of tears. It can be a painful experience to draw up all of those memories and try to let go of them. Thinking of all of your regrets and mistakes is not pleasant. It’s painful. Where is God? He is in the comfort that is given from one 14 year old boy to another. The last retreat I was on ended up with 4 of our toughest guys crying and hugging each other. God was in the comfort, the teamwork, and the ability they had to share that experience with each other.

So where is God in suffering? He’s in the little triumphs, the realizations, the silver lining. Maybe he’s in the learning experience, maybe it’s to prove that he’s all we really need. I’m quite sure it’s different in every situation – and maybe we never know until after the fact. I think, though, to keep sane in this life, we have to look for God in everything – including the bad, the suffering. There is so much good in this life to look at – but we tend to focus on the bad anyway don’t we? So we might as well start exploring the good side of the bad if that makes any sense at all. If we can manage to find the good- the God- in the bad situations, how much more will we be able to appreciate the good situations?

There are situations all around our world in which I find it extremely difficult to see the good and find God. I think you can all understand those horrific tragedies I refer to. At this point, all I can do is trust that he is there.

I'm beginning to speak like a brit!

It's been nearly a month since I last wrote - but don't worry - I've been thinking of you all quite a bit, it's just been a busy few weeks!


I have had some wonderful adventures!! My long-time friend Margie is currently studying in London, so we got together and toured St. Albans and London together. Amongst many adventures, a couple of highlights included going to see Avenue Q on the West End - Fabulous! - and Westminster Abbey. We were lucky enough to be walking near the Abbey just as the Evening Evansong was beginning in celebration of Edward the Confessor. It was amazing - and an all sensory experience - seeing a beautiful Abbey, smelling the incense, feeling the warmth of hundreds of bodies worshiping, and hearing the amazing men's and boy's choir. Wow. Have you ever had chills for an entire hour? I have now! To top it off, at the end of the service I looked to my left and discovered that we had been sitting about 20 feet away from Handel's Grave. What a day! Here is a picture of Margie and I standing on the Millennium Bridge!


For more pictures of our adventures, click here.



The next week brought an amazing treat for me! I was on mission with SPECeast, our sister project in Wapping - East London. We went into a wonderful primary school everyday putting on assemblies and doing sessions in the classrooms. The team was wonderful to work with - there was really a sense of love between us all - the kind of love that can support each other and really celebrate one anther's' gifts. The theme of the mission was "We Are One" - and was intended to energize the school about everything from the oneness of their school to the uniqueness in the One you. Our sessions included silly songs and games (my specialty!), tougher stuff like challenging stereotypes, and activities that promoted team work. We were all thoroughly impressed by the enthusiasm and energy in the kids as well as the amazing support and level of involvement from the teachers. Teachers are always pressed for time in the classroom trying to teach all of the information that needs to be taught, but at this school, mission was placed first and foremost. Those kids are so lucky to have teachers that value this part of their education as well - and an administration that encourages it as well. Below is a picture of our missionary team (and I think a kid that snuck into the picture ;) )

It is interesting to then look at our title as the missionaries, but see how important that role as teacher is. The teachers' ability to accept and encourage this mission was so essential to its success that the teachers should be called missionaries as well. We all seem to have that call. In our everyday lives we are presented with situations that we can treat in different ways. We have the choice to grump over things for whatever reason, or we can choose to find the good in whatever we are presented with. In the interest of those kids, their teachers chose to embrace this mission as an opportunity - though I'm sure it did take away from important classroom time. Certainly not every situation is a nice and happy one, and those issues should be dealt with - but life can certainly be much more pleasant when we choose to find that good - so that no situation is a total loss - both personally and for those around us. A situation that could be less-than-ideal for one may be an amazing opportunity for another. What a way to minister to one other - and such a simple and universal one at that. I may be the one with the title of a Christ the Servant and ELCA missionary this year, but we are all part of God's family and the community of the world, and are called to spread that love - be those missionaries, and accompany those around us with every tool we have - including our attitude.

We had another great residential retreat a few weeks ago. As I may have mentioned, I am pretty new to this high-school age group, so each retreat I seem to be learning new things as well as discovering new challenges. This retreat was no different. One of the earlier sessions was archery. Now, archery training, though intense and instructive, can never truly prepare you for having 12 crazy high schoolers with bows and arrows. (Which I am sure is true for any first year teacher or anything like that.) I was a bit overwhelmed with the situation, but as the session went on, I found great joy in how interested the young people were in improving on their skills. There is a sense of happiness and hope that comes when I see that hint of passion and sparkle in a young person :) We also had a really great chat in our 'girls only' session. It was wonderful for me to watch the leader of the session say 'let's scrap the session' in order to continue the discussion the girls had started about our image in the eyes of the opposite sex and how we can support one another as females. This is another way I see people being missionaries in every situation they encounter. These girls were passionate about helping one another out in maintaining a healthy image. The other exciting bit of the retreat was a young man who recognized a song I was playing and knew of the artist. Pete Stewart is from Whatcom County, and so I was quite surprised when a young person from London started singing along. Small world!

The English school system gives a week each half-term, and the retreat centre follows the school schedule, so we got a week off during the week of my birthday! To celebrate, my friends Anna and Anthony and I took a trip to Paris! There are a few albums of pictures up on facebook, but I'll share my highlights here. I think traveling with great travel buddies was a real blessing for one - we had a great time getting around the city together. Though Anna was fabulous at navigating us around the metro, we still found ourselves wandering quite a bit, walking up to something wonderful and saying 'Where are we and what is this?' I'm still not quite sure about a few of the sights we saw. We intentionally sought out the Eiffel Tower, The Louvre and the Mona Lisa (surprisingly small!), The Arc de Triomphe, Sacre Coeur, Notre Dame, The Pantheon, and other sights. My favorite of our planned trips was the Sacre Coeur Cathedral. My love for cathedrals continues to grow. We got to attend vespers at Notre Dame after sitting, praying, and looking around for probably an hour or so, but the Sacre Coeur was the one that really took my breath away.

We went at night and had a bit of trouble finding it, so when we finally got to a big staircase, we all groaned at the thought of climbing them. But up we went, and boy was it worth it. At the top of the staircase we had the most amazing view of this cathedral (on the right). Wow. As we got closer we heard music - but not an organ or a choir - this was definitely hip hop music, and when it came into our line of sight, we discovered a full on dance party happening on the steps immediately in front of The Sacre Coeur (translated 'Sacred Heart'). There were probably 50 people watching some people dance. After hanging there a bit, we went inside and experienced silence. What a change in atmosphere. I think that is something I love about cathedrals though. As touristy as they might be, they still keep up their function as a worship and prayer space. That is the priority. There was an usher shushing people as they came in - and he was strict! But amongst the craziness - people walking around, people sneaking pictures, worrying about the next stop on their Paris tour, a dance party outside - there was such a sense of calm. Wow.

Our final day allowed us the opportunity to see local Paris. Our hostel was a bit outside the city, and on our way to our metro station we discovered a market! I love markets! So we looked around - Anna bought little boys spider-man apparel, and I bought socks and a coat. It was so much fun to interact with local people and feel as if we were really supporting the real Paris and not just tourist traps! We also had a bakery near our hostel that quickly became our bakery - our source for our daily baguettes and croissants. We also discovered a small park (by complete accident - I believe the conversation went something like - Allison: What is this? Anna: I think it's someone's house. Allison: *walks in the large doors*) It was arena like, and originally just provided a great place for us to eat lunch, but we quickly discovered that it was quite the centre for football (soccer to us Americans) and other outdoor recreation. We witnessed a progression of about 4 different groups of boys coming in and leaving in games involving footballs - some were actual games, others, the junior high group, resembled something that would be titled 'kick the ball as hard as you can at the wall'. This was very entertaining until one of the balls hit Anna in the shoulder - that was our cue to leave :). My favorite group though, was what seemed to be a family group - 2 older boys with some younger kids. The three of us were trying to guess what their relationships were - "those two must be brothers - and maybe they are cousins". They were treating each other with such love and care. Much to our surprise, when their game was finished, the kids ran to some parents as the older boys just waved - as if they had just met this family and had been so gracious to share their game. We think 'missionary' and what it means to share God's love. That's it.

The calmer side of the park is below

For more pictures of Paris, click here, here, and here.

The latter half of half-term break was spent in retreat with the SPEC, Loft, and SPEC east teams. We had some amazing speakers and had a lot of fun. I have been learning a ton during our ministry at SPEC, but I had some really good personal realizations on this retreat. Since coming to England, I have been dealing with culture shock and other very mixed feelings about being here. Nothing was wrong necessarily, but there certainly has not been a ton of confidence on my part - I have been feeling scattered and un-centered. After hearing some really good speakers, I began to realize what has been going on with me. My identity has always been based around the encouragement and support I have received from my family and best friends, the things I am good at and enjoy, and my structured, busy life that I love. All of these things are amazing and wonderful gifts - but in a 12 hour flight, they were all gone. What I have been experiencing is a 'desert' place if you will. It's just God and me. I am having to re-learn and re-discover my identity at its roots - no frills, no bells, whistles, or extras - but who I am at the most basic level - the level that is God. God as the foundation.

Realizing and truly knowing that -all else aside - my most important function in life and the only one that will be a constant is my function as a child of God has been so liberating. All else springs from that and grows out of that foundation. Music, theatre, teaching, socializing - all of those things are products of my role as God's child - God's creation - not the other way around.

This year I may not have a lot of those things I am used to - my family, my friends, music, theatre, writing papers - and it has seemed very intimidating to live without those things. But what this year does bring me is the amazing opportunity to experience that foundation - that basic level. I get to explore what it means to be a person of God with no distractions. Scary - but very exciting!

I am getting used to living in England though - my latest milestone was realizing that I am no longer shocked by traffic in the left hand lane!

Which brings me to today! This weekend was my first confirmation retreat and it was absolutely fabulous! This one had about 25 young people from two different parishes. They were all just beginning their confirmation programs. It was a very refreshing program for me because the sessions were more focused on christian issues. What really got me energized, though, was the curiosity in all of the young people. God was truly moving through this group. Within the first few hours, I got the following questions: "So - do you believe that Jesus is actually in the bread and wine?", "What's a Lutheran?", and "Who do you think is going to heaven?". By this point, I knew this retreat was going to be fun! What I love about our ministry here at SPEC is the opportunity we give the young people to explore for themselves what they think are the answers to those types of questions.

One session in particular was perfect for showing this. It's called 'Vote with your Feet', and we give the young people statements and ask them to agree or disagree and have a discussion to follow. They got to discuss issues like miracles and what makes a 'good' christian in a totally un-biased atmosphere.

I pray that you are all well and that God is blessing each and every one of you with wonderful experiences to brighten your life and exciting challenges to help you grow.

Cheers!